where did you come from?

Where did you come from?

I've been here the whole time.

mmmhmm

truth

the best he ever had. damn.

mothers

the smell

it wasn't his looks or the goofy euro shoes he had on. his hair was nice, but nothing special. just tousled on top and pushed to one side. no, it wasn't that. I think the fist thing that drew me to Adam was his sent. mmm. he smelt like a leather couch that had been sitting in the sun. so warm and textured when you lay down on it you can't get up. the feeling is just too good. 

.

I've been feeling pretty shitty lately.

changing

It's just so frustrating to feel yourself changing
changing away from him
knowing he too is changing in the opposite direction
and you don't have the energy
will strength motivation
to grab him and hold on
to pull him close again
you are just so tired and weak from it all

being right

even though you were right,
you had it all wrong.
.
.
.
.
.
.

wedding photos

looking at wedding photos makes me happy.

I want to be in love again.

I want to be in love again. I miss the warm coat which comes with being in love. The one that helps you forget everything going on around you. The warm coat which stops the shivers from the cold, that is the love I miss. I want to be in love again. When love was with me my eyes would glimmer. Each time I'd blink I'd see something new and enticing. Love focused my sight on the beautiful and whole. The lens of love can not be explained to those who have not seen it. It must be experienced. I want to be in love again. I miss the electricity which charged the air. Step by step my body was pulled to my lover's side. By an electric force we would meet and our skins would merge. Something so simple as holding hands would shock my whole body, my toes would tingle, my hairs would stand up. I miss the love, but I don't miss you.

maybe not

maybe it's because i'm afraid he'll break my heart.
maybe it's because i'm afraid i'll break his heart.
maybe it's because i'm afraid.
maybe this is just the way it is. 
maybe this is just the way it's always going to be.
maybe.
maybe not.
i'll just have to wait and see.

Really good.

it's been about 3 months now. 

the weird thing is...
it feels good.
not perfect, but good. 
really good. 

Inside

The darkroom...

An Explanation

Too much has happened.

I can't begin to explain.

shades

Springtime

I can't wait for spring.

Now it's all i can think about.

youtoo

hey grandma

Hey Grandama!

Thank you for the letters. It’s always a treat to hear about what’s going on in Iowa. Canada sounds like it was nice. Hopefully you had some time to relax and enjoyed the down time.  Over here finals are beginning. I've been studying nonstop, but hopefully I’ll get some good scores. My school goes on the quarter schedule. This means we have a fall, winter and spring quarter, each 10 weeks long. The classes are fast pace, but we only take 3 classes at a time so it’s not too bad. This summer I’m planning on getting a job in town, maybe working at the library or the board walk, and taking a few extra classes up here in Santa Cruz. When I’m not in class, I take a lot of photos with my camera around campus. The school has a darkroom where I can develop my own photos whenever I want. The darkroom is small, but few people have access to it, so it’s never crowded. Also, I might be going to France for a few weeks at the end of summer. Adam’s father has extra flying miles and offered to take care of the ticket costs for me and him to go and visit his family of there. It’s still not set in stone, but wouldn't that be fun?! Sheila and Nicky are frequently on my mind. I can’t imagine what is going through Nicky’s head. I only hope she holds tight to her calm nature and everything works out for the best. Lord knows Sheila’s going to need all the luck and love in the world.

Anywho, its back to studying for me.

Finals don’t wait for anyone.

I love you Grandma and all of my wackydoodle family for that matter.

Hannah <3

Developer

This will continue as it always does. Till one of us either breaks the rules and speaks or you read the signals as something false and walks away.

I know the end I'm looking for.
What are you searching for.

The tides

Online shopping make me sad.
Developing photos makes me happy.
Facebook makes me depressed.
Climbing stares is satisfying.
Eating too much makes me feel ugly.
Tea calms and soothes me.
Drinking too much makes me unhappy.
Spending time with friends is nice.

Time for a change.
Let's start this.

Quote of the night

I'm so enhanced.

Crossing over

Walked onto the bridge 18

Walked off one year older.

On my 19th lap around the sun.

Blinders

The time has come for me to put on my horse eye blinders and stop thinking.

Time for the gym and studying.

The answer

I know.
I know.
I know.
but.......
I don't.
This is torture.
My stomach is twisting, my fingers tremor.
The pumping of my heart pounds.
Shrinking back into my head, I scream.
I yell, I cry out in agony and frustration.
In the last hour I have gone from high to low.
Now, as I lay in bed, I ache.
I ache for honesty.
I ache for transparency.
I ache for time to fast forward.
I ache for the answers.

That

So that just happened.

Turning it off

Pulling back from my past, I must remember how to disconnect. The majority must out weigh the one. It does out count all of them. But this is so hard, it goes against the grain, almost painful. I'm not sure how much longer i can last without snapping in two. God, this is excruciating to maintain. Pins pierce me at each joint, making motion torture.

Winter in Santa Cruz

MORE

Collapse

The bricks are falling down
Soon the roof will cave
When it does my life might grow dark
Without you it closes inward

My ribs collapse under pressure
Bones are snapping
Skin is ripping to ribbons
This gift is lost

Crumpled and tossed
Freedom all gone
My sides ache
I fall into tears and pain

This is no life
This holds no hope
This is darkness
This is the end

Common cold

Why am I so depressed?

California

Bobbie talks about California all the time. She plans to visit some time soon.

But Bobbie is fair skinned and has seldom been out side.

Bobbie will most definitely get a sunburn when she comes to California. 

Sex Kitten

Sexy silliness. 

You dog

In all honesty, you'd be a horrible guard dog. When any cat walks by, you dart off in a chase. As a guard dog, i would need you attention reliably. If this relationship were to be considered, much would have to fall back.

As my guard dog, I would treat you well. Your belly would stay full. Rubs would be regular and thorough. Treks in the wilderness would revive your wild nature.

But I am afraid this is yet only an unrealistic ideal. For everyone knows, you are a wild animal.

Wilderness, my dear, does not mix with lace.

Or

Down by the salley gardens my love and I did meet;
She passed the salley gardens with little snow-white feet.
She bid me take love easy, as the leaves grow on the tree;
But I, being young and foolish, with her did not agree.

In a field by the river my love and I did stand,
And on my leaning shoulder she lay her snow-white hand.
She bid me take life easy, as the grass grows on the weirs;
But I was young and foolish, and now am full of tears.

Bad people

What makes bad people?
Bad behavior
Repeated action
Malicious intent

So sorry

People feel

sorry when

they make

a mistake.

AND I AM NOT A MISTAKE.

a question

why can't you 

just be an 

asshole?

Renegade

At the renegade
Dancing at the renegade
We swish and sway
They push and play
At the renegade

The weed will flow
Come pick up some mo
Let the pot be smoke
Return plant to earth
The weed will flow

secrets

I'm afraid I will fall in love with him.

Your smile makes me want to misbehave.

I want to tell you every thing, but i just can't.

Good love is on the way.

leave no trace

I was going to tell you, but then you left.

okay let's do this

One does not simply draw lines in the sand, label the land  and claim the people are not the same people. We are from the same tribe. We are from the same mother. We are brothers and sisters on this earth. Trying our hardest, we must help our family. As Americans, the "difficulties" we face pale in comparison to those faced by many of our starving brothers. Taking the glasses from our eyes, the people of the world must work together to help the down trough-ted. It will be difficult, scary and dangerous, but we can not give up and hide away in our track housing homes.  We are all people in the struggle to find peace.

Inevitability

Is fear valid if the fear is inevitable?

this is in the unseen

Thin shirts with thick smoke
nothing more than moonshine
your scars glow in the night

no one sees us 
no one has eyes to see this
this is in the unseen

far far gone from all else
we dribble through the fog
finding ourselves lost in moss

no one sees us 
no one has eyes to see this
this is in the unseen

alone from the truth of day
cased in the touch of night 
struggle we must into cover

no one sees us 
no one has eyes to see this
this is in the unseen

my shining constant

Out of nothingness

Arrives sunshine from Nashville

Bluegrass and moonshine.

Dah

Once you go hoe
You cant go home.